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All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

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Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

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I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

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Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

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A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." 

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.